permanent note
Summary
- People are able to recognize if you are giving them full attention, and this results in feelings of trust
Details
- The more attention you give, the happier they feel
- We can do this with body language, sounds like murmuring, questions, paraphrasing, follow up quetsions
- Dont be distratcted by your phone, people around you.
References
Quotes
The Art of Attention
People are acutely aware of whether they are being listened to attentively, and their perception of receiving active attention from another predicts their feelings of trust, and contributes to the well-being boost that typically comes from strong social connections. The more attentive we are to someone, the happier they feel.
Unfortunately, many of us rely on the wrong cues to signal our interest in others. People can display their attention with nonverbal body language, such as leaning forward, nodding, or making empathetic facial expressions; they can employ “paralinguistic” cues such as murmuring sounds of assent or approval; or they may verbally acknowledge what the other person has said. While nonverbal and paralinguistic cues are often genuine signs of attention, they can also be feigned—and if we rely on these alone, our conversation partners may assume the worst.
It is much safer to demonstrate your attention explicitly in the words that you say. Paraphrasing what the other person has said, for example, offers direct proof that you have processed their remark. This is another reason why follow-up questions are so powerful: The details that you include provide the necessary confirmation that you were intent on hearing what they had to say.
Be careful to focus on the core point that the person has been trying to convey. If someone describes a bad date to you, for example, it’s no good inquiring about the bar or giving your opinions on the film that they watched.
You can validate what they are thinking and feeling or perhaps, after acknowledging what they have said, offer an alternative interpretation that may open their mind to a new way of seeing the situation. You must show that you are at least trying to see things their way before offering your alternative take.
As you converse, avoid being distracted by your surroundings. Each time that you show your mind is wandering, you weaken the connection that could have arisen from more attentive listening.
The practice of “phubbing”—or phone snubbing, constantly interrupting a conversation to check your smartphone—is similarly disruptive. In one observational study, researchers watched 100 pairs of participants conversing in local coffee shops. Some naturally took out their phones and held them in their hands or placed them on the table, while others left them out of sight. At the end of the conversation, the researchers asked each person to fill out a questionnaire exploring the experience, and they found that the mere presence of the phones on the table reduced the pair’s feelings of empathy for each other, resulting in a less fulfilling conversation.