Questions are the best way to hold a great conversation

Sep 21, 2024 3:32 PM
Sep 23, 2024 12:17 PM

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Wired article

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The simplest way of achieving this is to ask more questions, yet surprisingly few people have cultivated this habit effectively. While studying for a PhD in organizational behavior at Harvard University, Karen Huang invited more than 130 participants into her laboratory and asked them to converse in pairs for a quarter of an hour through an online instant messenger. She found that, even in these 15 minutes, people’s rates of question-asking varied widely, from around four or fewer at the low end to nine or more at the high end.

Asking more questions can make a big difference to someone’s likeability. In a separate experiment, Huang’s team analyzed recordings of people’s conversations during a speed-dating event. Some people consistently asked more questions than others, and this significantly predicted their chance of securing a second date.

It’s easy to understand why questions are so charming: They demonstrate your wish to build mutual understanding and give you the chance to validate each other’s experiences. But even if we do pose lots of questions, we may not be asking the right kind. In her analyses, Huang considered six different categories of questions. You can see the examples below:

**1. Introductory
Hello!
Hey, how’s it going?

2. Follow-up
I’m planning a trip to Canada.
Oh, cool. Have you ever been there before?

3. Full switch
I am working at a dry cleaner’s.
What do you like doing for fun?

4. Partial switch
I’m not super outdoorsy, but not opposed to a hike or something once in a while.
Have you been to the beach much in Boston?

5. Mirror
What did you have for breakfast?
I had eggs and fruit. How about you?

6. Rhetorical
Yesterday I followed a marching band around.
Where were they going? It’s a mystery.

Huang found that follow-up questions, which ask for more information about a previous point, are much more appealing than the “switch” questions that change topic, or the “mirror” questions that simply copy what someone has already asked you. The most superficial are the introductory questions—essential social niceties, but which hardly demonstrate a genuine interest in another person.